What is the Question?
Do you know those vivid memories you have from over 20 years ago? The ones that seem kind of random, but you remember them as vividly as you remember what you had for lunch today? For most people, those vivid memories are moments of great personal importance. For example, I distinctly remember the quizzical look my first-born daughter gave me when she was only seconds old. No crying or screaming. She just looked at me and tilted her head to the side. Memorable.
When our brain hangs onto a memory from years ago, it is often because we make some association with that memory. It could be amazement after eating a particular meal. Fatigue from running your first 5K. One such memory of mine was a 3rd grade teacher, who took the time, and taught me a lesson that impacts my work to this day. The interesting thing is, I did not actively remember this memory for the past 22 years. It was only until recently that I remembered it for the first time, and the vividity and detail come rushing back as evidence of our brains immense power.
“What’s the question, Jon”
The bell was about to ring for lunch and after lunch meant the best time of the day, Lunch Recess. Longer than a normal recess and even longer for me because even at 8 years old I could still wolf down my food with the best of them! Cheeks would hit the bench, and I swear that sandwich was gone before it was even out of its Ziploc. While classmates were just finishing up in the lunch line, I was tossing the brown paper bag in the garbage and on my way out the door. But not today. Today was the fifth and final day of lunch detention.
Now, to this day I have not admitted to anything. But during the previous week, someone at my desk clump had allegedly been drawing face tattoos and mustaches on the pictures in one of the textbooks. The textbook in question was checked out to me. Circumstantial evidence if you ask me. Either way, I never saw my day in court. But I did see my week in lunch detention. It was the last day, and as if the recess gods were getting the last twist of the knife, this was the sunniest day we had had in weeks! I wanted to go out and enjoy recess at least once this week. So I sauntered up to Mrs. McDonald’s desk. If this was going to work, I had to play it cool. Let Mrs. McDonald feel like the idea to commute my sentence was her idea. (*I doubt this is the exact exchange, but this is the tone and direction I remember this conversation going)
Me: Hi Sheila! (*Just kidding, even at 8 I did not have that confidence*)
Me: Mrs. McDonald…my mom said that she is glad I’ve been serving lunch detention.
Oh yeah, super smooth. She has no idea where this is going.
Mrs. McDonald: What’s the question, Jon?
Me: Well, the weatherman said that today was the warmest day of the month.
Dude, you could be 007…
Mrs. McDonald: What’s the question, Jon?
Me: Well, my soccer team has a game tomorrow against the blue team. Coach says we need to practice if we want to win.
Mrs. McDonald: What’s the question, Jon?
Me: Mrs. McDonald, can I please skip lunch detention today and go outside and play soccer?
As I finally put this conversation into writing, it occurs to me that there is another way to read to her tone. She didn’t ask, “What’s the question, Jon?” with any sense of annoyance or irritation. She asked over and over again to get me to the question I desperately wanted to ask.
That is the association I have with this memory. The emotions of desperation and the relief that came when she granted my pardon. I remember those feelings of desperation and relief so vividly to this day, I have to laugh at myself for how silly the situation is. I know that had I served that last day of lunch detention I would’ve been just fine. But because of that interaction I learned this lesson:
In almost any given interaction, there is a question that desperately wants to be asked.
“Do you value the work I do?”
“Am I going to make the team?”
“Are you stringing me a long?”
“Does anyone care that I exist?”
In my work, I talk and coach hundreds of athletes, sales workers, executives, & coaches. All situations are unique and each individual is more so. The more conversations I had, the more it became clear that so many of them had a question or a vulnerable statement that so desperately wanted to come out. All it takes is the right question.
With that question comes power, truth, vulnerability, courage, strength, understanding, empathy, and love. There is a reason that when you fight with your significant other one, or both of you, give short answers. A question is an expression that you want to hear more from them. And with the right question you are telling them you WANT them to feel courageous, you WANT them to feel empowered.
My challenge for you is to listen. Not to just what is being said but listen for that question that desperately wants to be asked. Listen for the truth that longs to be unhidden. And be a vessel for it to come out. You will be rewarded with greater understanding, more lasting conversations, and stronger relationships in your personal and professional life.
— Jon Osborn
Mental Performance Coach, RJ Performance Group
